You have found a blog that will document one man’s journey to finding himself. I’ve got a lot of problems and I’m still working hard to be a good person, hoping by doing so the world won’t tear me a new one.
- I currently reside in the Triangle (RTP) area of North Carolina, US.
- I am 26 years old.
- Undergrad and Graduate school; been there done that.
- Anxiety, for sure.
- Depression, defnitiley.
- Transgender? Yup!
Oh boy, you got dropped into a big pile of dookie that is my life.
Sure it could be worse, I know that.
I’ll admit there are great parts of my life. My family is important. I’ve been doing my best to make them proud everyday. Do I succeed? No, not by a long shot. But they love me and I love them so we keep trying for each other. Eternally I will be grateful I’ve never had to go days without food or water, a place to sleep, or abuse.
God is also my guiding light.
(Yeah, that might seem weird being transgender and religious but it got me through the worst time of my life. I am totally understanding towards other religions and to agnostics/atheists as well. I don’t tell you how to think, so don’t do it to me, k? Unless we are actively discussing religion as an academic subject….then game on.)
My life was generally fine. No real trauma. Somehow and for whatever reason, I developed symptoms of severe depression/anxiety around 8 years ago. I got medical help, medicine and therapy, starting at age 21. Tried many medicines and too few did any good, but I’ve found a mix that is keeping me good for right now. On top of everything, two years ago I started to notice that I was so unhappy because I didn’t like who I was.
I didn’t like that I was so, for lack of a better word, cowardly.
I didn’t want that at all. Ever. I needed to be strong, for myself and for others. I don’t want people to open the door for me, I want to open the door for them. I don’t need saving, I want to save us both. People mistook that as me being a “mother hen,” but they were mistaken completely. In fact, I hate being referred to as matronly. It makes me very uncomfortable.
My appearance is so vastly different from who I feel inside. I’m not in any way masculine, and I never allowed myself to embrace that because it never seemed appropriate. But it’s the truth.
I want short hair, not long hair. I do not want to look down and see breasts, I want to see muscle. I want hair under my arms, and hair on my legs. I want shoulders that are broad. I want to look great in a suit. I’d rather have lots of cuff links and ties over jewelry and cosmetics. To be a polite, intelligent, gentlemen that can also protect his loved ones.
The “male-image” part, if you hadn’t caught on by now, is extremely important to me.
For people who are transgender, they will likely understand the urgency to change who you are once you realize you can.
Actually I don’t need to imagine that, that’s sort of why the industry of plastic surgery exists.
To remedy this problem; I started to bind my breast tissue (I will create an entry on that later) and wear only male clothing. My hair is short, I attempt to speak in a lower tone, I’m no longer shaving or wearing any sort of cosmetics. The product of my efforts is unfortunately just a scrawny looking ugly and crazy woman. I get asked if I have cancer so often it’s ridiculous. But, when I pass by any object that gives off my reflection I don’t want to scream anymore!
In all seriousness, I am just trying to make myself feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin until I can begin hormone replacement therapy (another subject for another post).
Unfortunately, the job I currently work in (despite the steady income) is an extremely toxic place. When I get too stressed I tend to let myself spiral in disappointment/failure/self hatred, it’s gotten really intense lately due to my dysphoria (another post subject). Those days you just don’t get out of bed or leave the couch. Scared to open to door for the UPS guy, and won’t even get up to get food.
Yeah, pretty pathetic.
^My daily cycle of negativity. Woowee.
I’m about there, too. Missed four days of work already in the past two weeks. If I don’t get fired I’m likely to snap before a two weeks notice was up (assuming I resign tomorrow).
It’s a mess. A big mess. Plus if I can’t work, I don’t have health insurance and I can’t afford the medical bills to transition and I’ll probably snap anyway. Either way I am screwed. So screwed. My family is supportive, but they aren’t aware I am transgender. Fairly easy to hide when you are pre-T. I am so scared I’ll never get to be who I want to be because I’m simply to weak.
Join the pitty party, maybe somehow I’ll share some useful information?
Well, that’s the main intro. Let’s get dirty!!!!!!!!!